Being the random thoughts of Greg Tito, age 29.

Announcements for my standup comedy gigs are here at gregtito.com.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Ok

So I haven't had anything to say lately. I have been without inspiration for blog-type things. I can't say why. I was going to write about doing standup comedy last Friday but I think I got too nervous. I've also been thinking about my play a lot lately. I recently worked very heavily on revising the Creation Play from a version that is almost 1.5 years old. Which isn't that long considering I began writing the play, in its first iteration, in January of 2002. Just for shits and giggles, I am going to post that first scene here. This may not be the best place to do so, nor can I guarantee that this scene is even that entertaining. Fuck it. Do with it what you will:


Lights come up. The stage is completely bare. No adornment whatsoever.

We wait for thirty seconds. Maybe more. Nothing. No noise. No action. Nothing.

Suddenly, two men stumble on stage.


Manny- Hey, shit, where’s the bathroom?

Evan- It’s so bright in here.

Manny- I thought you said this was the bathroom.

Evan- It is, isn’t it?

Manny- Do you see a toilet anywhere?

Evan- I can’t see anything. It’s so fucking bright.

Manny- Don’t open them so wide. Yeah, I don’t think this is a bathroom. It’s too big.

Evan- There are big bathrooms. I was in this guy’s apartment in Fort Greene and his bathroom was bigger than his whole apartment. Of course he had to share it with the whole building.

Manny- But this is Manhattan. There aren’t big bathrooms. Unless you’re in midtown.

Evan- Maybe this is midtown.

Manny- I don’t think so.

Evan- It sure is quiet in here.

Manny- Yeah. Can you see any better?

Evan- A little bit.

Manny- Do you see that red sign that says exit over there?

Manny points to the back of the house.

Evan- Yeah.

Manny- Maybe there’s a bathroom over there.

Evan- It says “Exit.” Not bathroom.

Manny- Yeah, but there’s always a bathroom near the exit.

Evan- Right. Let’s go.

The pair start to walk towards the audience and almost into the house before Manny stops and holds back Evan.

Manny- Wait.

Evan- What is it?

Manny- Do you see all these people?

Evan- What people? Oh my God.

Manny- Why are they all looking at us?

Evan checks his fly.

Evan- I don’t know.

Manny- (to audience)Hello. I’m Manny. This is Evan.

Evan- Who the fuck are you?

Manny- Quiet, Man. (to audience) Where are we?

Evan- Speak up!

Manny- I don’t think they can talk.

Evan- What, they’re mutes?

Manny- Maybe.

Evan- What are the chances of a roomful of people being all mutes? Every single one? Look at this guy. I know he can talk.

Manny- Maybe they’re all choosing not to speak.

Evan- Oooooh. But why the fuck would they do that? I mean, we asked them a question.

Manny- Think, man. Where is the only place where a bunch of people are quiet?

Evan- The library.

Manny- No.

Evan- Funerals.

Manny- No.

Evan- Uh. Well, it’s got to be bloody boring.

Manny- No, Jesus. Look. There are forty-two people sitting in chairs looking at us.

Evan- Yeah. We established that.

Manny- And we are standing on an open space. A stage, if you will.

Evan- I got it!

Manny- Good.

Evan- It’s an experiment! And they’re all doctors and we’re the test subjects and we’re supposed to run around like we’re in a maze or something.

Manny- Right. That’s it. I knew you would figure it out.

Evan- So what do we do now?

Manny- I don’t know. Do you know any tricks or anything?

Evan- Tricks? You mean like skateboarding or something like that?

Manny- Yeah, but we don’t have skateboard.

Evan- I know, I could breakdance.

Manny- You know how to breakdance?

Evan- I saw these guys on the subway. This little kid, he couldn’t be older than six or seven, he was dancing for money.

Manny- Really?

Evan- Yeah, his older brother had a little boombox that was playing a beat and he just started dancing and clapping.

Manny- And you can do that?

Evan- Sure. It didn’t look that hard. But I need you to give me a beat.

Manny- A beat? I can’t give you a beat.

Evan- Why not? You’ve seen people do it.

Manny- But I’m white, Evan. I don’t have a beat.

Evan- Just try it. Here I’ll start it for you.

Evan starts a beatbox.

Evan- Now you join in.

Manny- All right.

They both start beatboxing. Manny does the low and Evan takes care of the high.

Evan- Ok keep it up.

Evan attempts to break dance. He kicks his leg around. Spins on his back. Does the Worm, then

Evan- Ow.

Manny- Wow. That was amazing.

Evan- Except I think I tore my sack.

Manny- How did you learn that?

Evan- Well, it hurts pretty bad.

Manny- No, to breakdance.

Evan- I used to watch dudes all over the place. This was the first time I tried it myself. I guess I didn’t learn that good though, my balls are killing me.

Manny- That’ll show those doctors that we’re not to be toyed with.

Evan- Yeah. Fuck you, you lab-coat wearing motherfuckers!

Manny- We’re not just little lab rats anymore.

Evan- Yeah!

The pair high-five and give a “Whoot!”


Manny- Ha! I bet they’re shitting all over they’re clipboards. Assholes.

Evan- Manny, I have to piss even more than I did before. I think the Worm squeezed my bladder.

Manny- I know, me too. Let’s get out of here.

Evan- Follow the exit sign?

Manny- Damn right. This place is dead anyway, man.

Evan- Do you think the doctors will just let us go?

Writer- What are you two doing?

Manny and Evan share a look. It sounded like that voice came from the house.

Manny- What?

Writer- I can’t take it anymore. You guys are ruining everything.

An attractive woman enters from the house. She is carrying a script.

Writer- Do you realize how long it took me to write this script? Three years. I painstakingly crafted every line. Every word, Every syllable, so that it would be just right. Just perfect. Just what I wanted to convey. And you two fuckers decide to just throw the whole thing out the window.

Evan- Are you a doctor?

Manny- Where’s her coat, man?

Writer- Are you retarded? Doctors! That’s the most horrible ad lib I’ve ever heard.

Evan- We’re not retarded. You are.

Manny- Maybe we are retarded. Maybe that’s why the doctors are experimenting on us.

Writer- There are no doctors!

Evan- Then who are those people?

Writer- That is the audience. Those poor people actually paid to watch you ass-pirates prance around the stage.

Manny- The audience? So this is a circus?

Writer- No, you morons. This is a theater. You are actors. I am the writer of this play. Not the play that is going on but this one.

She brandishes the script.

Writer- This masterpiece. The one that I crafted with the precision of a Swiss clock-maker, or an Austrian jewel-smith.

Manny- Austrian?

Writer- Yes, Austrian. I think that lends a bit of mystique to the metaphor, don’t you?

Evan- No.

Writer- Well, who asked you? (before Evan can reply) The point is that every page of this play has been pored over and discussed and researched for years. Years. Do you realize the magnitude of this, my life’s work?

Manny- I guess.

Writer- You guess. Is that the sum total of your confession? You don’t care enough about what you have done to me, to the product of my toils, to art itself to properly address your crimes?

Manny- Look, lady. We don’t know what you’re talking about. Evan and I just stumbled on to this stage, we don’t even know where we are.

Writer- Is that so? Have you contracted amnesia then? Have we come so low that we must revert to a soap-opera plot device?

Evan- We don’t have amnesia, you bitch. We just don’t know where we are or how we got here. We’re not stupid.

Writer- Oh, I see. My mistake. And here I was thinking this whole time that you were stupid. Hmm.

Manny- You can drop the sarcasm. All right? Now who are you?

Writer- I told you. I wrote this play.

Manny- What play?

Writer- This play. The play that’s going on right now.

Manny- So this is a play. I’ve always wondered what a play was like.

Evan- You’ve never been to a play, dude?

Manny- Well, yeah. I’ve been to a play, I’ve just never been in a play before.

Evan- Yeah, me neither now that you think about it.

Writer- Boy, I could sit here forever and just listen to you guys talk but can we get back to the script?

Evan- The script?

Manny- Wow. We have a script.

Evan- Here let me see that.

Manny- Hey, what’s it called?

Evan- “A Play to Remember.” What kind of shit title is that?

Writer- It’s a working title. This is just a workshop people.

Evan- Oh.

Manny- Well, what’s it say?

Evan turns the page.

Evan- (Reading)“Two men in their twenties stumble on stage. Manny is dressed casually in khakis and a button-down while Evan is wearing jeans and a tee-shirt.” Hey, that’s us.

Manny- Weird. (to the Writer) How did you know what we’d be wearing?

Writer- Shut up. Go on.

Evan- “Manny- Hey, Shit, where’s the bathroom? Evan- It’s so bright in here.”

Manny- Isn’t that what I said already?

Writer- Yes. You guys were on for a while. Then you came up with that shit about doctors experimenting on you. I mean, we just did a run-through last night.

Evan- We did?

Writer- And you had the lines down flat. What the fuck happened?

Evan- There’s nothing in here about doctors?

Writer- No. You two are supposed to have a insightful conversation about the meaning of theater. What it means in our society.

Manny- That doesn’t sound like us.

Evan- (skipping a few more pages)Here, man, get this: “Evan- Modern theater has become so commercialized. All anyone cares about is how to make the almighty dollar.” I don’t even know what that means.

Manny- Right.

Evan- And here, this is what you say: “Manny- I know. And the only way to do that is to have musical based on a movie or something. Can you imagine what that will lead to? Apocalypse, Wow! Based on Coppola’s screenplay.” Then you are supposed to laugh.

Manny- Nope. I wouldn’t say anything like that.

Writer- Look. I don’t care what you think you might say. I created you and I want you to go on with the script, kapische?

Evan- You Italian?

Writer- Shut up. Now, take it from the top of page two. I’m serious.

Evan- Page two. Page two. All right dude, it’s your line.

Manny- (looks over his shoulder)“I was just in Times Square the other day.”

Evan- “What were you doing there?”

Manny- “I hadn’t been sickened by capitalism in a while. No, seriously, I had to get my cell phone fixed.”

Writer- Good. Great. Do you think if I leave you guys you can handle it on your own?

Evan- I don’t know

Manny- (quickly)Yeah, sure, no problem. We’ll just read it.

Evan- Dude—

(Manny kicks Evan’s shin.)

Manny- We’re okay. Thanks for setting us straight.

Writer- Ok. I’ll let you goes go. Is it okay if I go back here? (pointing to backstage) I’ll won’t get in anybody’s way? Don’t worry, boys, everything will be great once you get through this. Break a leg!

(She exits backstage.)

Evan- You break a leg, you bitch.

Writer- (offstage)I heard that!

Manny- Would you shut up? Let’s just say a few more these lines and then get outa here. I still gotta piss like a racehorse.

Evan- You and me both. Okay. Let’s go from your line about your cellphone.

Manny- I already said that.

Evan- Yeah but my next line is about that one, I need you to lead in again.

Manny- All right, all right. “I hadn’t been sickened by capitalism in a while. No, seriously, I had to get my cellphone fixed.”

Evan- “Aren’t those the same thing?” Cellphones and capitalism? Get it? This stuff is pretty funny.

Manny- Right. Uhh. “Right. Anyway, all those blinking lights and Disney shows. Is that what Shakespeare had in mind?”

Evan- “Yeah, I read somewhere that he always wanted to turn Andronicus into a musical.”

Manny- “Can you imagine?” Wait, and then we’re supposed to start singing?

(music starts playing)

Manny- Wait, wait. Hold on.



And that's where I stopped. From that little scene I wrote a whole play. Things are very different but the skeleton of what I wanted it to be abut were there. It's pretty neat, actually to read this and then look at what it's been expanded to. I'm calling it Creation Play and I hope to produce it this winter. Which will make it about a 4 year journey from this scene to its completed form.

1 comment:

Bob Jingle said...

Is this text too small to be readable? Seriously, I wanted to separate it from my regular scrawling but if you can't read it, it won't really make a difference now would it? Let me know.