Being the random thoughts of Greg Tito, age 29.

Announcements for my standup comedy gigs are here at gregtito.com.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Weight loss contest

In a decided effort to combat our expanding waistlines and our impending death, my buddy and I have begun a Herculean effort to lose weight. Realizing that there is absolutely no way that the two of us could motivate separately to eat less and exercise, we agreed to set our anorexic tendencies against the other.


I've known Rain Delay since 1st grade and we have been forever locked in a clash of wills, be it for girls, basketball, bike races, grades (we were separated in 3rd grade because I would proclaim my A on a test was better than his A-), and now FIFA 07 and Fight Night 3. I cannot let him win any more than he can allow my victory. Which is not to say we don't respect each other, quite the opposite. But this marks the first time that we have decided to harness this power for good and not for evil. The two of us have vowed before the Lords of Cobol that we will lose weight or die trying. Actually, the loser buys the winner a Nintendo Wii, but everytime I will play it, Rain Delay will die a little bit inside.


The rules are like this: We are striving to lose one third of our body fat percentage. We reasoned that losing straight weight would encourage unhealthy practices like slicing off our arms. Plus, I didn't want to feel bad about lifting at the gym, thinking it would skew the numbers to his favor. We weigh in every Monday on a scale which Rain Delay bought for $120. It figures out our body fat percentage by sending three tiny mice into our anuses and having them ascend through our digestive systems. It's either that or it uses electricity somehow. Regardless, it's foolproof and we trust it 100%.


Here are some surprisingly annoying-to-make tables of our results so far:



7.16.07GregRain Delay
Weight in lbs.194.2225
% of Body Fat21.5%26.5%


7.23.07GregRain Delay
Weight in lbs.192219
% of Body Fat21%25.5%


7.30.07 Greg Rain Delay
Weight in lbs. 190 219
% of Body Fat 20% 25.5%


As you can see, I am currently winning. Mr. Rain Delay has stalled at 25.5% while my steady descent will lead me to the sweet fruit of Victory. I can already taste it. It tastes like cantaloupe.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Conspiracy

I'm not sure what the human fascination with conpiracies is drawn from. After every major historical event now it seems theories sprout up about what really happened or what our government isn't telling us. Was JFK shot by the grassy knoll? Were the Kinghts Templar involved in Richie Cunningham's career? Is Paul dead and replaced by a robot? Is his memory full?

Perhaps it comes from history class. I remember the point being outlined many times in my Connecticut liberal public school education that history is written by the victors. That even commonly held accounts of the Revolutionary War, the Civil War or Vietnam are heavily skewed towards promoting US supremacy. I was a child at the peak of the Cold War, and it often seemed every movie was about Russia succombing to the capitalist wise-cracking might of America. Looking back now, I wonder if what we had was so much better than the Russians or if that's what we were supposed to believe.

My current obessesion/timewasting activity is to read about the myriad 9/11 conspiracy theories. It's undeniable that the destruction of the WTC was a polarizing event which conveniently divided the world into Us vs. Them. The benefits to the current White House administration were many (despite how it has blown up in their face.) It's not a very far leap of logic to consider that Cheney and Co. (Coming from Disney Films this Christmas!) perpetrated the attacks or were at least complicit. I've watched enough Jack Bauer to know that this shit happens all the time.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/9/11_conspiracy_theories

This is a exhaustive list of current 9/11 theories. The wiki editors do a good job of keeping this article neutral, neither endorsing or dismissing the claims. It's a decent read, even if you don't believe a bleeding word of it. I'm not sure where my own opinion lies, but some of the evidence presented (including corroborating eyewitness testimony of explosions in teh WTC basement as the planes crashed into the top of the tower) are too compelling to deny outright.

Another new conspiracy (for me) is outlined here. This is well-thought out and comprehensive thesis proving that Jesus did not exist. Historically. That there is very little evidence to support the claims that he was a social activist or even a public speaker. Instead, this dude proves that the gospels and the subsequent new testament were mythic writings on par with Homeric literature. Interesting, if you can deal with the wall of text on that page.

Finally, the pyramids were made by aliens because Egyptians are stupid.

Friday, July 13, 2007

***News FLASH*** Businessmen are Boring!! Extra!

There is this asshole Indian dude who I work for named Giridar Srinevasan (the names have not been changed because I don't want to protect this son of a bitch).

One day a few months ago he was looking through the shit on my desk (while I wasn't there mind you) and saw one of the fantasy short story magazines I've been getting. He looked through it, noticing only the advertisements which, regrettably, market towards the female readers with Fabio looking dudes on the cover. He insisted on calling it gay-porn. Everytime he's here at my desk with another person and time to kill, he brings up my obsession with gay porn. "Have you heard about Greg's taste in magazines?" I always bring out the latest issue of Realms of Fantasy and show them, trying as hard as I can not to feel embarassed. He goes through the magazine, pointing out every shitty advertisement for low-end romance/fantasy books, as if that's what I was reading. All the while it's peppered with derisive comments, "I'm worried about you..." Giridar constantly tries to make me feel like shit for reading fantasy, but I'm always like, "I am not ashamed, dude."

This morning, he did it again with one of the younger guys in the office. I said, "Don't you read stories?" His response, "I read newspapers." In a grim voice. Like that's the only thing that matters. Guess what you fucking prick? There's more to life than numbers and spreadsheets and whether your mail-order Hindian wife is going to get into the US on a shitty ass green card.

He's a dick in normal business too, nobody seems to like him because he gets agitated and upset easily. The guy acts like the annoying younger brother to those above him and a playground bully to those below. He's even tried to drag me in the dirt before on an invoice that he fucked up, blaming me to his bosses because I reproduced the exact numbers that he gave me an hour before. Douche.

This is for you, Giridar. If reading fantasy makes me wrong, I don't want to be like you.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

CONTEST!!

I'm participating in yet another one of those forced creativity things. Yep. It appears it's the only way I can get anything done. This one's a week long screenwriting challenge. Starts tommorrow. Let's just hope I don't get Romance set in a Public Bathroom in Central Park.

http://www.nycmidnight.com/2007/SC2007/challenge.htm

Actually, that one wouldn't be that bad. I could have a rapist who actually falls in love with his victim... GENIUS!

UPDATE! My criteria are as follows:

GENRE - Fantasy

SUBJECT - Swimming


When a kid jumps into the pool, he's transported to a dream world of magic. Or maybe, when man has a near-death expereience swimming on a beach, he is saved by a mermaid. Or maybe...

Just in case you were wondering how Fantasy Baseball works

Although you probably weren't.

Fantasy baseball scoring: Every day, each team is ranked 1-10 on each cumulative stat. So if Player A has 50 saves recorded on Tuesday and Player B has 48, then Player A has a 10 in saves and player B has a 9 (assuming they were leading the league). If on Wednesday, Player B's relievers do well and record 3 saves and Player A's record nothing, then Player B is ranked 10 and Player B is ranked 9 for saves that day.

This is done for each stat, each day, and the rankings are all added which results in your overall score. If Player A has a 10 in saves, a 6 in ERA and 1 in Ks then his overall score is a 17. On Wednesday, his rankings are 9, 6 and 1.5 respectively and his score is a 16.5 (a .5 on a ranking means there is a tie and the two players each get the mean of the rankings above and below them). That's why on the main page change is denoted by -1 or +2.5. This is the team's cumulative change in the rankings of each stat.

Another important thing, players have to be in the game (not on the bench) to record stats. If a batter isn't playing that day or its a travel day for the team, try to have the players on the bench get in the game and get you some stats. Starting pitchers are the most important, you have to rotate them in when they are scheduled to pitch. This means you have to check every once in a while to see when their rotation is up. You can schedule roster changes several days in advance if you are leaving for the weekend or something.

That's only rotesserie league play. I've been slightly addicted to this whole fantasy thing, ever since my buddy got me involved in his Yahoo league. There's also head-to-head play where you battle one manager's team per week in all the league's stats. Good times. I'd link you my team but it's set to private for some reason. I'll give you a hint though. Manram Ordonez.

Yet another time suckage tool. Between this, playing 12 games of simul-chess on gameknot and reading the latest WOW news, it's amazing I get anything done.

Wait. I don't do anything. I forgot. *sigh*