Being the random thoughts of Greg Tito, age 29.

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Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Inability to rationalize

I think the thing with depression is that it quickly becomes uncontrollable. Everyone feels depressed at some point in their lives, even so-called happy people. You fail a test, you get yelled at by your superior, it rains on your wedding (or a black fly in your... nvm), shit happens. And people feel sad. But then you get better. Something cheers you up. Or you forget about what bothered you.

But what I'm feeling is different. I feel anxious or nervous for no real reason. I can try to figure it out, as most of what that post was trying to do. I'm definitely not happy with what I've done with my life, that's for sure. But someone else could look at my position and say, what the fuck? This guy's got nothing to be depressed about. I have a somewhat loving wife, a decent paying job, a good group of friends and a family who's mostly healthy. That's all true. And I know that, on some level, my life is probably pretty great. I try to tell myself that when I start to feel like shit. And while that used to work when I was younger, the power to rationalize away these feelings has dwindled to nil.

That's my problem.

Of course, today, I feel fine.


Kristin said...

Been there. Done that. A few times. You have no logical reason to feel depressed. People around you think your losing it cause to them your life is pretty good. To those who haven't lived through it, they just can't understand it. Its a strange, surreal experience to be almost afraid of your own life and the path to find your way out is not always easy, but eventually the haze starts to lift and you begin to see clearly again. Haven't seen you in forever, but if you ever need to chat, I've been through it. Just message me through myspace and I'll send you my email/phone info if you want.

P.S. All geniuses go through this. It's tough being so freaking brilliant. ; )

Stephaine - yes, that's spelled right said...

I don't know if this will help you but when I feel this way, I just watched an episode of the Jerry Springer show. I always feel a lot better about my life/situation/problems/issues after watching 10 minutes of that crap. But that's just me.

musashiwins said...

Depression doesn't follow a simple logic, so I would be careful not to mistrust your very obvious feelings because you are unable to rationalize them. Clearly, you are describing a depression, so hopefully soon you will decide on a course of action to combat it.

Also, "somewhat loving wife"? I bet your future analyst jumps on that one ;)